halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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