I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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