i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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