so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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