The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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