her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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