Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
