Screwed.edu
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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