I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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