my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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