I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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