P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
