My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
