i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
