I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
