a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
