What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
