i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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