Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
