why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
