eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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