All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
