i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
