Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
