Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Randomize
