I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
