Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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