Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
