i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
