got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He better not be in your backpack
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
