dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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