Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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