I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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