its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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