How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
