I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
