i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
