Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
