I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
