Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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