just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
