Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
