I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
