the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
