Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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