there's paper in my vomit.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
