i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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