is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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