Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
