I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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