Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
