I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
