Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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