I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
