I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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