Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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